though thought better, might be worse
by Drunkenfaries2223
Summary: What if Meg, had something else in mind when she trapped Dean and Sam, in the episode Shadow. Old episode I know but I jsut saw it, and wanted to do a story on it


What if Meg wanted Dean and not Sam. When they're at the warehouse when she crouches in front of him over his legs, a way it could have gone way differently. What if the only thing Dean wanted in life was to be excepted.. Sam didn't want to be near him, didn't love him, his dad had always favored Sam always worried about him, always said I love you to him. But never to Dean, that had never happened to him. What if Dean wanted an escape, to get away from both of them, and to finally belong, no longer have expectations or having to worry about everyone, but no one worrying about him.

_Sam's P.O.V_

"Dean, please don't do this, we can fix this, you just got to let us help you, talk to me" Saw Winchester begged his older brother, '_This can't be happening, why would he do this, something must be controlling him or something, Meg must be doing something to him'. _"What the hell did you do to him, you stupid Bitch, what spell did you put on him!" he yelled at the blonde girl that sat next to his brother. "Do to him I didn't do anything to him, wouldn't do anything to him, he has so much potential, but that's not what I want from him, you see me and Dean here, met about 2 or 3 weeks before you guys came to the bar, by the way he's great in bed, really exceeded my expectations" Meg said with a smirk on her lips that made Sam want to slap her, and the only thing standing between him and that , were the ropes that still had him tied to the pillar that held the building up. What she had said was finally sinking in, his brother.. ha..had slept with her.

"Dean, Dean look at me why are you doing this, we're your family, we love you why are you trading us, the people who love you for a demon, the things we're suppose to be hunting, the things we we've been killing since we were little, the things that killed our mother" Sam when he asked the question hadn't expected an answer, so when Dean looked up at him, he was surprised to say the least, until he saw his eyes they were blank but right behind, the wall he had placed over them had a crack in it and from what he could see there was relief, but so much pain and sadness lurked behind even that.

"You want to know why Sam, because for the first time in forever, I feel alive, like I'm in control of my body and I'm doing everything, not just watching it like it's a TV show, that I can't turn off, or change. Meg didn't put any spell on me, and trading you in?" "I can't do that cause both of you already traded me in, you traded me in for school, for a normal life, for a chance to get away from it all, and dad, dad traded me in for the hunt, the only thing besides you that actually matters to him, he never cared about me, never, I was just there, so willing to please him, that I would do whatever he asked, and he used that, used me just to get closer to the thing that killed mom, so see Sammy I can't trade in something I never had."

As he whispered those words to me, It killed me, not just because he didn't know how he had felt, because he realized he never could have known, he had hidden it so well, always finding a way to get out of how he was feeling, but also because he knew it was partly true, they both had traded him in for something they thought better or worth more, a normal life, for him, and finding the thing that killed mom for dad.

To them those things were more appealing to them instead of Dean, but as he looked at Dean, he couldn't for the life of him think, of how he had let that happen. Dean had always been there for him, and for their dad, he had comforted them when needed, held strong for them when he thought they needed, e had done everything he could do for them, to make life easier, he was what held their family together and they had just traded him in, not even considering what would happen because of their actions, and that's what had caused this to happen. Hell as he realized what they had truly done to him, he really couldn't blame him, because he had every right to try to find some place where he fit in, well sort of he didn't blame him for trying to find someone who accepted him with no expectations, someone who wouldn't leave him, or have someone else chosen over him, but even as he silently agreed that maybe Dean, had finally found someone like that, Dad openly voiced his opinion.

"Dean Listen, do you hear yourself, you talking crazy, I love you and Sam both the same, you both matter to me, I would never trade you in, kill her Dean, it's what you were raised to do what do you think your mother would want you to do.." before dad could finish his speech, Dean interrupted.

_John W's P.O.V_

"Don't even start this shit with mom, mom wouldn't have wanted this shit to happen in the first place she wouldn't have wanted us to hunt, and give up our lives, she wouldn't have wanted any of this, but guess what dad she would have wanted me to be happy. " Guess what dad finally I've found that person who can make me happy, not make me have to pretend everything fucking second of every damn day, because it interrupt your perfect fucking lives." "She doesn't force me to be someone I'm not just so she feels better, she gives a damn". "When we found the thing that killed mom, you both would have left, you both have a life to go back to, I have nothing, nothing because of you dad, I have no life, nothing I can go back to, because you made me like this".

As Dean paused to get a breathe, I really looked at him, this wasn't, couldn't be his son, he never would have said the things that came from his mouth now, but he had known for so long that Dean, wasn't like Sam, wasn't the son he wished he was, because the son he wanted had left him, and he didn't know how to handle that.

"Dean listen, to me I want you to be happy to, I want you to live the life that makes you happy, but this won't, can't be it, Dean, what do you think she's going to do to us once you leave, you think she's just gonna let us go, huh, she's going to kill us, and the thing that killed your mother will always be out there, killing more and more people, is that what you want" he knew it was a long shot, but if he had known one knew one true thing about Dean it was that, letting people die he knew he could have saved was Deans major weak spot.

"You just don't get it, do you dad I don't care any more, I don't want this life, I told her to let you go and she's gonna, you and Sam can continue the fight and find the thing that killed mom, but I refuse to be the one helping you anymore Sam's back, he can be your knew lap dog, because I refuse to do it anymore."

He had convinced her to let them go, but he wasn't going with them, John couldn't comprehend how this had happened he had always considered himself being fair, to both his sons, sure he showed a little more affection to Sam but he was his youngest, he was his baby boy, he didn't know how not to pay more attention to him, but he knew if had to leave Dean behind it would kill him, Dean was the one who looked like his Mary, the one who could make Sam and him laugh when all they felt like way crying, when Sam had left, he got to know a side of Dean, that he thought he would never have been included in, but it hadn't been willing for Dean, he hadn't known that John had saw it.

_Flashback_

_It was around 3 in the morning when John had gotten home, he wasn't expected to be back for another few weeks but the hunt had gone well, and he had managed to find it and kill it within 3 days, when at first he had expected it to take at least a few months. _

_As he started to go inside he heard a noise that sounded like tings being thrown around, but instead of going inside he looked through the window, and what he saw inside made him, hurt more then anything, including when Sam had left. _

_Their in the middle of the room was his oldest boy, beating the shit out of everything in reach like his life depended on it, and when everything he could get his hands on was destroyed, he collapsed on the floor, against the bed, and as much as John wanted to go to his boy he knew that in the end it would only make things worse. The thought intensified as he saw Dean finally break, as the tears started flowing down, his face each one of them made John realize that he had down this to his boy, that he had caused all of this and he knew, that it was far to late to fix this, so he sat out side, figuring he'd wait another hour or two before calling Dean and telling him he'd be home soon. _

_When he had walked in the door, everything looked perfect he didn't know how he had done it but, if he hadn't seen what had gone on earlier then he never would have guessed, what had been going on, and he knew that was how Dean had wanted it, so he didn't say a word about it. _

_End Flashback_

"No Dean, you..you can't do this we need you, we need you there, we can't do this without you, you're the best hunter, the best warrior of s all" but as Dean looked at him he knew that, that had been the wrong thing to say, even though he had been trying to show to him, that they needed him. "See dad that's all I really am, to you I'm the fighter you need to take on all the shit, that you don't want to deal with, I'm a soldier by force not by choice." " And Sam all he needed me for was to protect his sorry ass, until he left without so much as a thank you for giving up every free minute I had, when we were younger, I protected him, no matter what the consequences were. No matter, how many times, I got hurt, or thrown into jail, when he decided he didn't want to stay at home, and he'd go out in get into some kind of trouble by mouthing off to the cops." "I'm the one who would always take the fall, and no matter what would happen, I would never tell you dad, because I knew that in the end, it would always be my fault."

As John sat there, he thought over all the times that their had been signs of this, of his boy breaking, and the times, where just by looking at him, that he was to close to the edge between light and darkness, and once he had crossed that line, it should have been obvious but neither him nor Sam had even realized it, they hadn't seen when they had lost their son and brother to the dark, which had some how become his only friend, they hadn't seen when his once, bright smiles no matter how rare they were had finally dimmed and became, empty and fake, but then again maybe they had and they just ignored all the signs, that they were losing him, but maybe he was wrong, as well cause maybe they never really had him at all, to trade, because somehow, during all the years that had been lost between them and all the missed family moments, he had become something that wasn't truly Dean, because as he thought about it now, it seemed, as if Dean, their Dean, had been dead, a long time, and now all that was looking back on them now was an empty shell of him.

A/N: Ok this story did not go the way I had planned, I had planned for it to be a story about Dean and Meg, like Mature and all but I kind of lost all of that when I started it and it had somehow became more about Sam, and John, and how they felt about what was happening, I know everyone was a little oooc but they kind of had to be to fit the story. I plan for this to be a one shot so I don't plan to update this story or anything, because finishing it I had writers block, and I have no real idea how I would add another chapter for it, so if you do want another chapter, maybe I might try one, so give me some ideas.

R/R


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